A Night Out In Swindon. Circa 2004

A Night Out In Swindon. Circa 2004

1. You drive around picking up friends to come to yours for Pre-Drinks and getting ready. Because you are all sassy smart women, you all get a large Cheese Whopper Meal from Burger King to soak up the copious amounts of alcohol you are about to consume.

2. Put on some quality tunes- can’t go wrong with Ministry of Sound dance album here.

3. You take it in turns to take advantage of that one friend who has brought her GHDs. The night will not go to plan unless your hair has been straightened within an inch of its life.

4. The night’s drinking begins with swigging Lambrini from your local newsagents. It tastes so sweet, so you chug it back like its Coke.

5. You all discuss the lads you are hoping to see out tonight. Pluck up the courage to message said lad and say “you might be in Mission later, you might not. But you will if HE goes”.

6. You quickly begin to feel the effects of the Lambrini. Decide to move to Vodka Redbulls to wake yourself up. This is a smart plan. Nothing can go wrong here.

7. Alcohol has made you decide to become a social smoker. You don’t have an ashtray because you live at home still, so you decide to use any random container for everyone’s fag buts.

8. Open window to hide excessive smoke emanating from you room.

9. Your dad asks you to keep the noise down. Resulting in you NOT keeping the noise down.

10. Try to scav a lift of your dad/brother/friend’s dad. Failing that, you all climb into a taxi and head for the bottom of town.

11. Go straight to Revolution for cocktails. You fancy something fruity after the quite sour taste of vodka redbull. End up getting a pitcher that everyone shares. The blue ones looks interesting.

12. Your crazy friend decides to get a tray of random shots. She is such a legend. And so generous.

13. Accidentally have the Chilli shot and instantly want to die. You run to the loos to vomit. True friends are the ones that hold your (perfectly straightened) hair back whilst you vom. Good times.

14. Instantly feel better after removing all evidence of chilli cocktail from your stomach.

15. One of your friends wants to go home. The lad she wanted to meet is not coming out anymore. You’ve also noticed she’s hardly drank anything and you’re struggling to stand upright. Decide to allow her to go home. From this point onwards you need to be proper pissed to continue on this journey.

16. Go to Sir Dan’s for cheap drinks. Get accosted by strange older men, but the music is good in here so, meh.

17. Some of the group want to go to Old Town. Have a long debate over whether you can survive the mountainous journey that is Victoria Hill. You’ve all got heels on, this is not happening. Your mate’s lad is in Mission so everyone agrees to plump for a taxi.

18. Have an in depth chat with the taxi driver about men. Is it right that we have to follow your mates’ lads everywhere? What does he think? The taxi driver is full of insight on the matter. You decide he is your best friend.

19. Get to Mission and see that the queue is enormous. Try to sneak in at the front of the queue to be confronted by an echo of boos from the crowd. End up going to the back of the queue, huddling together for warmth. Why didn’t you bring a coat? Oh yeah, coats aren’t cool. You need to be able to show off your halter neck top in all its glory at all times.

20. Remember that one of your group is still under 18. Encourage her to expose more cleavage, because big cleavage = over 18, obviously.

21. As you approach the bouncer, you all do your best to act nonchalant. They know she’s under 18, they just don’t care. In you go.

22. You arrive to the smell of fags and sweat. God you love Mission.

23. Decide to do one lap of the circuit to check out the crowds. Oh your mates lad is here!!! Walk straight past him. This is the best way to get his attention, definitely.

24. Huddle together around the stairs and sofas to swig the drink you sneaked in past the bouncers.

25. The DJ starts the evening playing random selection of R n’ B. The group is immediately split between those who love these songs and those who would rather just get drunk.

26. The R n B group decided to go dance and rub up against some random bloke. You’re too cool for that, so decide to tackle the queue at the bar. You’re in a fucking great mood. You’re with your friends having a great night- DRINKS ARE ON ME!!!

27. You all down Vodka Redbulls like the crazy kids you are.

28. Immediately buy more Vodka Redbulls without having to queue.

29. Then, as if out of nowhere, someone mentions one word that instantly grabs your attention. That one word is TEQUILLA.

30. Have a competition to see who can down as many tequila slammers in 10 minutes.

31. A blurry haze seems to have taken over your eyesight. Stumble over the couple sat on the carpet snogging and make it to the loos just in time to vomit. Your friend appears out of nowhere and holds your hair.

32. Continue to vom in loos for several minutes.

33. The DJ at last has made the switch to Dance music. You hear the thump of dance bass in the loos and suddenly feel better. YOU MUST DANCE RIGHT NOW.

34. The hip swaying of the R n B crowd has quickly turned into the random jumping of the dance crowd. You and your friend seem to be jumping in time. What a ledge.

35. The DJ ends the night, of course, with Insomnia. You think you are the fucking shit as you know all the words. Proceed to educate the group.

36. Stumble out of Mission into the abyss that is the night. Your feet appear to be on fire from your stilettos. Decide to remove said torture device and walk barefoot across the road to the petrol station.

37. You need to lie down. On the floor, in the petrol forecourt. You do so quickly and almost don’t even feel the thud as you fall back a bit too quickly.

38. You need food. All the food. All the grease. Go to kebab van.

39. Why is everyone else here?!?! Uh, is this the only place open at 3am? Oh it is. Fine.

40. Consume your grease soaked burger. That’s the medicine you need right there.

41. Decide to stay at your friend’s house. She doesn’t live at home anymore. She has so much freedom. All the space.

42. Sleep fully clothed with your halter neck bra embedding into your skin. You are sharing a bed with your friend and you are both proper pissed. This will be fine.

43. Wake up and immediately run to the bathroom. More vomiting.

44. You and your friend make your way downstairs (slowly). Obtain spare duvet. Proceed to wrap yourself in a cocoon and watch Jonathan Creek repeats.

45. Have Tesco’s own Spaghetti on toast for lunch. You start to feel slightly human again.

46. Get home around 4pm. You haven’t showered, you’ve vomited more times than is probably necessary. Your dad does not approve of your appearance.

47. Get a text from your friend; “Walkabout is opening down the bottom of town. We HAVE to go there next Saturday”……….




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