- You will probably never wear black. Ever. Again. Having your clothes 80% cat fluff will become standard. You will also own stocks and shares in lint rollers.
- Sharing the bed is now a must. You will sleep at strange angles so as to not disturb your kitty baby. Your cats love you and want to spend time with you. Most of this time will be spent with their bums in your face. BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU.
- You will have full in-depth discussions with your cat. A meow will be met with “Oh, I know, it’s terrible”
- They will do a victory lap of your house at full speed after successfully using the litter tray. Should you catch them mid-lap, you will be confronted with a possessed demon eager to continue her mad sprint. It’s best you let her to be honest. You don’t want trouble.
- Should you have more than one cat, your body will become territory to conquer and claim for their own. Teddy will sit above my head on my pillow, and Lucy will sleep in my armpit. Should either cat stray from their designated spot, there will be a mad frenzy of paw slaps. You will probably get caught in the middle. And then have to tell them off. Then feel bad for shouting.
- If you ever cook meat, expect incesant howling from your
demon cute cuddly cat. This will not stop until said meat is in their belly. And even then, will continue until all evidence of meat is removed from the house. If they can smell it, they want it. Who the fuck are you to deny them?
- Computers and laptops are not places to do work. They are a warm comfy bed for them to sleep all over. It’s best to just accept this and move on with your life. Don’t ever try to actually work from your computer.
- Your clothes will be covered in snags from that strange kneeding thing they do. You think this is a sign of love and affection, but they don’t want you to have nice cardigans and they’ll be damned if you keep buying new ones.
- A fortune will be spent on cat toys & beds. You will do this full of love and excitement for your kitty. These new purchases will be met with utter disgust. However, they will lose their shit when you bring home a Primark paper bag. It is a well known fact that should you leave an empty Primark bag lying around, it will be seconds before it will be filled with a small, furry breathing body. Or a box. Cats fucking love boxes, OK?
- You will Facetime your cat. Fact. If you’re away, you will ask your mum (or another reliable human) to facetime with your cat. Your cat will freak out at the strange rectangular object making sounds that sound like their human, but nonetheless will freak out and immediately run away. End of facetime chat.
- When you want a cuddle, they will not. When they want a cuddle, should you try to ignore them they’ll be like “Hey…..” *scratches human’s arm* Hey hey……” *headbutts human* HEY! Look at my bum” *cat shoves bum in face*
- They WILL notice if you try to feed them a slightly cheaper brand of cat food. This will be expressed by a glance reminiscent of “I WILL END YOU”. Feed them the good stuff, quickly. This cat aint eating no cheap shit.
- Cats like to be underfoot. Especially when you are carrying stuff downstairs. This is a ploy to rid them of these pesky humans and eventually take over the world. They will keep some of us around, purely for catfood tin opening purposes.
- Instead of coming home to a loving pet jumping into your arms, you will be met with “Oh it’s you. You disturbed my 14th nap today…….. You may feed me now, human”.
- Belly rubs are a tricky business. They will lie there, seductively showing of their belly fluff inviting you to rub it. This is another ploy. They want to gnaw your arm off. Stay clear of all cats showing of their belly.
- Lastly, there is nothing more blissful than a purring kitty on your lap. Even though your bladder is close to exploding, you daren’t disturb the sleeping creature……….
A standard picture of a cat summoning the demon gods
Rub my belly why don’t you?!
This human is MINE.
I fucking love boxes
Lucy is not in her designated, pre-discussed spot. She must be told.
You disgust me, human