26 Things That Happen In Every Office

26 Things That Happen In Every Office
  1. Flowers. Oh yes. People will get deliveries of flowers coming through reception. You heart will skip a beat in the brief moment you think they might be for you. They aren’t for you. I didn’t want them anyway…” *glares at recipient*
  2. Should a big meeting be taking place in the boardroom, this will mean one thing to the rest of you. Food. Yes, leftover meeting food. Crowds of people will start circling the boardroom like vultures waiting for the whiff of fresh sandwiches and nibblies. You can’t just storm in and take it though. You have to wait. The receptionist will normally go into collect and will send an email “there is some food…” BOOM! You’re there. You’ve been waiting for this moment. Oh precious little sandwiches. That other people didn’t want. There is nothing better…
  3. One day a month, there will be a noticable sense of glee around the office. This day is PAYDAY. People will skip to work and, more noticably, sprint out of the office to spend their entire wages in one shopping trip in town. 1pm will be an echo of rustling Primark bags and squeals of joy at purchases.
  4. Quite soon on in the office etiquette, someone will be labeled as the Kitchen Police. These are the people that like to point out the mess the kitchen has been left in. They will take time out of their day to inspect the kitchen for any slight bit of mess and enjoy sending a ranting email to the office entitled “Kitchen.. AGAIN!”.
  5. There will be one person who hasn’t seen Game of Thrones yet, therefore stopping the rest of you from discussing last night’s episode.
  6. There will be one person who intentionally ruins Game of Thrones for those that have not seen it yet.
  7. People will label their stationery to the point you can no longer see the pen for the amount of labels. God help you if you should borrow something of theirs.
  8. Bringing in home baked goods will become a thing. Especially when Bake Off is on. How these people have time I’ll never know. Don’t question it, just eat some. ALWAYS remark how lovely it is, otherwise you will not be offered some again.
  9. Now then, this is possibly the most tender of subjects for office workers. Temperature. You will be sat with multiple people from the hours of 9-5. Everyone is different. How are you all expected to be comfortable in the same temperature? Well you would think it would be safe to assume a medium sorta temperature would keep everyone happy? Nope. There are people who either want the heating on 326598c or the aircon on -90c. You will learn to bring in jumpers or to be comfortable working in your underwear. There is no solution here I am afraid.
  10. People like to talk. Not necessarily to be spiteful, but just to talk and have something to talk about. We are shut off from the rest of the world, so to hear that Jo and Ralph might be in a relationship becomes BREAKING NEWS! To be fair, we did start off the relationship in a kinda stealth mission impossible style and then quickly got bored of the charade. I don’t think anyone talks about us anymore. Sad face.
  11. You will have meetings. You will then have meetings to discuss the meetings. Shortly afterwards you will be sent minutes of the meetings. Something doesn’t add up? Can we just have a quick meeting to discuss….”
  12. You will have work BFF’s. These people help you survive the madness. I hereby name thee WBFF’s. (Is this a thing already?)
  13. Nothing fills you with more dread than a change in seating. For some reason, the Partner in the office is not concerned with your WBFF sitting next to you, nor the fact you no longer have a wall to hang your Benedict Cumberbatch calendar. It’s best you don’t raise such concerns if I am honest….
  14. Should you see colleagues on their lunch breaks around town, you do not need to start a conversation. A simple grunt will do. Time is precious here Joan, I will discuss Eastenders on worktime, thank you.
  15.  You will feel like a fat walrus for not joining the office running club that seems to have become a thing every lunchtime. Instead, you will feel elated when they come back a sweaty puddle of a thing while you’re sat there glam AF with your make-up still where it should be.
  16. You will have to change your ringtone on your mobile. Lest we forget the time I left my Southpark ringtone on and had to apologise to several people for the language used…. My bad.
  17. It is never really discussed whether it is acceptable to drink alcohol in lunch breaks. I mean, people take clients out to lunches and stuff and they drink then? So I guess having one tipple isn’t a problem? I personally cannot wait until someone gets completely bungalowed on their lunch break and just falls asleep at their desk. That person won’t be me. Please don’t let it be me…
  18. Office parties are a thing. Someone will arrange for free booze to be supplied in the boardroom after 5pm. What was once a serious place to discuss meetings (and minutes of meetings yadda yadda and so on) is now a BOOMING DANCEFLOOR!!! It is totally fine to dance to Gangnam Style on the boardroom table…
  19. The day after a work party, NOTHING else will be talked about. Rumours will be spread. Tales will be told. And that one legend who still hasn’t gone to bed yet will just be left in peace. What a legend.
  20. Acceptable fashions are grey, black and maybe browns amongst the masses. Should you deviate from this path, you will be labeled as eccentric. Personally I prefer the term cool and trendy and yes I WILL wear my floral suit jacket to work. Thank you.
  21. Immediately sighing “sooooo slow” and pointing at your PC to explain to your boss why you are on the River Island app on your phone and not working. Damn these slow computers.
  22. You will start to send sassy emails by instead ending your email with just “Regards” to indicate you are close to exploding. Then quickly changing it to “Kind Regards”. You don’t want to get a reputation.
  23. Lift conversation will revolve entirely around the weather.
  24. Meetings where you start off having to say a little about yourself. Just. Nope.
  25. “I was just sending you an email” is an appropriate answer when being chased for a task.
  26. The office will go into full on meltdown when you run out of coffe or tea. Should you run out of both, the apocalypse will start. The end.

 

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1 Comment

  1. Gemma
    25th August 2016 / 10:11 pm

    I love the blog, I love the way you write. Its like you’re in my head as you write how I think. This blog makes me almost miss work. Almost.

    Keep up the good work joesephine. i eagerly await the next post ?

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