1. The season starts. Dermot assures you that your weekend “starts here”, yeah because the past 24 hours have meant nothing to you Dermot. You settle down to see hopeless wanabees have their dreams and souls crushed.… Oh and to see some people actually sing. Of course.
2. First up, a tone deaf, three-toothed man beast comes on and attempts to sing I Will Always Love You. Yes! This is what I came here to see. My ears are in pain, but this is entertainment at its finest right now.
3. Rejected contestants are treated to a Dermy Hug. Good old Dermot.
4. Dermot knows they’re shit. We know they’re shit. Dermy knows you know they’re shit, but goddammit everyone gets a Dermy hug.
5. A contestant will have a (sort of) sad back story. Mum starts to sob. You want them to do well. Despite the fact they sound like a farting frog. A constant stream of sad songs is played to remind you that this is sad, and you should feel sad.
6. The producers have Westlife’s You Raise Me Up on constant stand-by for when a contestant is surprisingly put through. You are emotional. You did not expect this.
7. Lois will tell everyone that they’ve got soul. Including the cleaner.
8. Simon surprises the hell out of everyone by saying “ I didn’t like it…….. I LOVED IT!” Woah Simon, stop with the surprises mate my heart can’t take much more of this.
9. A contestant will come on and start to sing in the style of a socially anxious church mouse. Simon will mysteriously enquire if they have a 2nd song prepared, convinced they can do better. They do just happen to have a 2nd song and BOOM they spontaneously change into Christina Aguilera singing “Dirty”. How does he do that? Simon has got the gift.
10. Contestants are told they have a “million percent yes”. Now I’m no accountant but…….no wait I am.
11. Lois will say “You’re just like (insert name of internationally successful singer) but better” . Yeah Louis, Jim from Margate is much better than Frank Sinatra.
12. Nicole will gyrate in front of the other judges the SECOND a song shows any signs of a dance beat. Will you control yourself Madam.
13. A slightly older lady will flirt with Simon and inevitably get through to the next stage. Basically Simon is a horny teenager in control of a vast empire.
14. After a perfectly mediocre act, Simon will respond with “This is why I do the show”, momentarily forgetting about the piles of cash he is making per second.
15. A novelty act will make it through each round after being told they “are a breath of fresh air” and “you make me smile”. Grumpy Cat makes me smile though you don’t see me putting him through on a singing contest DO YOU?!?!?!
16. Simon will ask a group/duo to split up in auditions. OMG pass me a fresh cup of tea, this is about to get messy.
17. The finalists are picked and you are waiting to see which group has which judge. Each group breathes a sigh of relief when the realise they don’t have Louis as a mentor.
18. Louis tells each of his acts that they’ve got soul.
19. During the live shows, Nicole will break out into a constant line of phrases otherwise unheard of in these British Isles. “You shut it down”, “You brought it”and “Ving”*clicks fingers twice* to name a few. We don’t go for that sort of talk here, thank you. *sips tea*
20. All of Louis’ song choices are ridiculed by Simon.
21. Louis defends his act with a never-ending list of superlatives that don’t actually mean anything. At all. Will finalise his summary by reminding us that they’ve got soul.
22. An act will do the phone mime thing to remind you to vote. Yeah, that’ll work you muppet.
23. At least one contestant will come down with a mystery illness. Will be praised for “soldiering on”. Bless.
24. A guest performer pretends they’ve totally been watching the show. Despite earlier asking the firm favourite to fetch some biscuits.
25. Dermy will feel an overwhelming sense of dread as he asks each judge for their feedback after a performance.
26. Louis will say they’ve got soul.
27. Simon will taunt Louis by criticising his deep knowledge of soul.
28. Sharon cackles
29. Nicole will say “they got it on”
30. All judges talk over each other repeating steps 26-29 until….
31. Dermy is slowly losing the will to live and tries to move things on by sternly saying “I’ve got to hurry you”
32. The judges’ utter shock and confusion to this remark is met with a look that resembles a granddad who is trying to work his iPad.
33. The judges fail to do their one job, which is judging and we therefore go to…
34. DEADLOCK! Dermy shows a glint in his eye as he knows the end is almost near.
35. The eliminated contestant leaves to the playback of an endless montage of high notes, Dermy hugs and Louis saying they’ve got soul.
36. The final episode is upon us. Each finalist sings with a famous artist and they act like total BFF’s. We all know they were fetching them biscuits earlier.
37. The winner is announced. You always liked them. You liked them from the start.
38. *Flash forward to next year’s X Factor*
39. Who’s that singing on the stage? Oh, that’s last year’s winner. Oh yeah…..