30 Things You’ll Remember If You’re Over 30

30 Things You’ll Remember If You’re Over 30

 

  1. You did not have GHD’s and therefore had slightly wavy-sticky-out-hair that would not play fair. Boys would definitely like me if only they could see how straight my hair can be.
  2. Saturday night entertainment was Noel’s House Party. You always thought this might be the week you show up on NTV
  3. You bought the Mr Blobby song on tape. You thought nothing of the 6ft pink and yellow monster that talked in gibberish. MrBlobby: blobbity. Noel: You alright, mate? Mr Blobby: Blobbity blobbity. Noel: That’s your answer to everything.
  4. You ate Pot Noodles at lunchtime at school. Chicken and Mushroom obvs. You went to the local shop who were inundated with teenagers wanting the use of their kettle. Pretty sure their water bill exceeded their profit from Pot Noodle purchases.
  5. You had the Adidas tracksuit bottoms with the poppers. The vertically challenged amongst you had to have 3 popper’s lengths trailing on the floor.
  6. You teamed the aforementioned tracksuit bottoms with a strappy vest top. Most likely from New Look. This look was appropriate for all occasions.
  7. When you wanted to speak to your mates, you had to ring their parent’s landline and ask to speak to them. You would always have a slightly awkward if not totally polite 5 minute chat about your schooling. Also, your brother would listen in on the phone upstairs whilst you talked about boys and you would hear him wet himself with laughter. Git.
  8. You were slightly addled at why anyone would need a mobile phone. You had images of coming across like Yuppy Delboy with an aerial. But once everyone at school started to get one, you were captivated by the fact you could SEND MESSAGES!!! Oh and it took you a while to realise those brackety things people put at the end of text messages were, in fact, smiley faces. Weirdos.
  9. You were introduced to the racist, sexist everythingist South Park and quoted “Oh my god, they killed Kenny. YOU BASTARDS” whenever you could to be cool. Cool kids watched South Park. You also knew the words to Hankey the Christmas Poo. And still do.
  10. The New Star Wars films came out. You pretended to know who Obi-Wan was and equally pretended to hate the new films when in truth, you wouldn’t watch them until you were in your 20’s. And yeah, they were rubbish.
  11. You would spend 90% of your pocket money in Tammy Girl on fluffy pens, glittery hair accessories and chokers.
  12. It wasn’t a Saturday afternoon without a visit to the Body Shop to purchase stationery with animals on (everyone’s gotta know I’m against Animal Cruelty you know) or a lip balm. If you had some birthday money, you would splash out and get the Vanilla perfume.
  13. Saying “not” at the end of a sentence never got boring. Not.
  14. You got off your face on Scrumpy Jacks and locked yourself in a cupboard at a house party. No? Just me then…
  15. Saturday mornings were for Going Live/Live & Kicking/SMTV. And a song about a phone number you still remember to this day. All together 0800 811 81 81
  16. You owned everything in the Bang On The Door/Groovy Chick range.
  17. Sunday mornings were spent watching Dawson’s Creek and wishing you were able to climb into your friend’s windows for a quick chat. It didn’t bother you that these 15 year olds spoke as if they were college professors. You just nodded along waiting for the time that Joey and Dawson would be happy together (SPOILER they weren’t. Pffft)
  18. Having to wait an age for Mum to get off the phone so you could go on the internet and were greeted with that familiar sound of “niiiiiiinng ning ning nin niiiiiiiiiiiing”
  19. You owned a Tamagotchi (or 10 in the case of my friend, Gemma). You loved it. You cared for it. Nurtured it as if it was a real living pet. Until the time you went on holiday to Devon and was too busy sunning yourself like a pillock to remember to feed it. You recoiled in horror as the little kitty changed into a skull, and was scarred for life when the kitty grew angel wings and floated up to the sky. In fact, you were so upset that all your aunties rushed to your aide whilst on the beach. You quickly got over it though and swiftly went on to kill many pets.
  20. The time spent choosing a film to watch in Blockbusters was well spent. After all you had to wait a decade before your films went from cinema to video anyway. Your brother racked up a debt after not returning them on time.
  21. You owned a Nokia 3210 and felt like you’d cracked the Crystal maze once you got the hang of predictive text. It was worth it for Snake which you sneakily played in Science at school.
  22. You passed actual paper notes in class. Notes of the upmost importance that couldn’t wait until break time. Notes that said “I think  I like Matt” that came as a revelation to all around you. Until your teacher caught said note and made you freeze in horror as he decided whether to read it out or not. While you were sat next to Matt. Your eyes pleaded with him not to read it out. In some weird display of sympathy, Mr Grafton DID NOT read it out. And you swore to pay better attention in Science in the future to say thank you (LIES!)
  23. Lazer Quest was THE place to spend birthdays. You often went along with your brother and his mates and got annihilated because you were small and slow. You vowed revenge.
  24. Every occasion/party that had a DJ no doubt played The Macarena. You leapt out of your chair and made your way to the dance floor with a determined stride and purpose in your walk. This is my jam and goddammit I know the moves too. Follow me aunties, I will show you the way to glory…..dum dum dum HEY MACARENA!!!
  25. You owned a Walkman/Discman and had to carry a small suitcase around to house your tapes and headphones in order to listen to music on the go.
  26. Slap Bracelets were a stroke of genius of modern technology.
  27. Lunchtimes were spent with your friends perfecting your routine to Spice Girls’ Stop Right Now. There was always one friend that would fuck it up for the rest of you and you would have to start all over again.
  28. Meeting your friends in town meant by hook or by crook, you had to be there. Times were set in stone. If they weren’t there you were faced with the choice of either waiting outside Woolworths like Larry No Mates for another 30 minutes, or (dear god) having to use the pay phone to ring their parent’s house and have another discussion about my schooling.
  29. Buying bubblegum shaped like sellotape and trying to chew it all at once, despite the agonising jaw ache and brain freeze from the sugar rush.
  30. Tragedy struck your heart and soul like nothing after it when you watched Mufasa’s death. You were left bereft as Simba pleaded with him to wake up and he never did. You felt anger towards Disney for exposing you to such betrayal and heartbreak. I don’t care how catchy your tunes are, how do you expect an 8 year old to compute this shit? FFS Disney…. Hakuna matata.
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